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Flaunted Dead or Alive: Top 10 most tiresome, annoying celebrities

Perhaps you've heard that Paris Hilton will be leaving jail on June 26th before scooting over to Larry King Live the next night. There she'll detail how she's found God, learned a variety of other valuable life lessons and now likes Hamburger Helper with a little dippin' ketchup on the side.

In her honor, here's unclebarky.com's Top 10 list of celebrities with a knack for inducing nausea. Bon appetit!

10. Angelina Jolie -- OK, you're stunningly beautiful whether testifying before Congress, walking the red carpet, toting a new kid or playing Lara Croft. But please give it all a rest and stop preaching. Just spend your millions in the company of that Ocean's Thirteen pretty boy and give the rest of us earthlings a chance to do good works on our own without your constant prodding.

9. Michael Jackson -- It's been remarkably all quiet on the Jacko front lately, so maybe you'll just stay out of the limelight for good. Yeah, sure. Never say Neverland when it comes to the self-annointed King of Pop, a true Hall of Famer in this particular league. It'd sure be great, though, if you'd just stay out of sight, out of mind. Let all these others take your heat.

8. David Hasselhoff -- Hey "Hoff," stop Hassel-ing us. You've been incredibly lucky to land a judge's spot on America's Got Talent, which requires basically none on your part. No need to rub it in with video of you crawling on the floor after a hamburger after drinking like a fish. Unfortunately that's all the more reason these days for People to put you on its cover while Entertainment Tonight parlays you into an exclusive 28-part series. Germany still loves your singing and pretty much had you all to itself for a decade. But now look what you've done to your country of origin. John Tesh suddenly seems like Chopin.

7. Britney Spears -- How about NOT making a comeback? How about just raising your two kids while keeping the hair on your head and letting Kevin Federline do all the ass-making of himself. He's highly capable, as you well know. But that's probably not in the cards, is it? A long respite from the spotlight just isn't your style, even if it might be your salvation. Think about it, though. What's left after going clubbing commando style, impulsively shaving your head and doing the rehab two-step? Give peace a chance.

6. O.J. Simpson -- Searching for the real killers on pricey golf courses is a sight that still makes the blood boil. And your aborted If I Did It book is one of this century's biggest abominations, showing just how far you'll go to make some coin. Someday you're gonna pay, right? If only we really believed that. Life just isn't fair when a guy who should be doing life is still enjoying the high life.

5. Paula Abdul -- It used to be that when American Idol went away, you'd pretty much go away, too -- for six months at least. But there's no rest for the vapid, which is another way of saying that Bravo is premiering the new reality series Hey Paula on Thursday, June 28th. They're supposedly painting a "three-dimensional portrait" of you and your "Crazy Cool world -- from the stressed celebrity and tough business woman to the comedic prankster." Oh barf. Remember when three-dimensional used to mean at least a little something?

4. Rosie O'Donnell -- You mercifully left The View early, but now it's bray-per-view on your blog. The New York Times only encouraged you with a recent big splash of a story that basically said you're still too marvelous for words. It'd be nice, though, if you'd just holster your yapper for a month or two. Instead you're lobbying to be the new host of The Price Is Right. Yeah, that'd be nice. Mixing Plinko with Bush administration bashing is just what America's looking for.

3. Donald Trump -- NBC reportedly is trying to get you to do another edition of The Apprentice after initially saying they were done with it. Please don't do another one. That is unless you want to turn the tables and be a supplicant while one of your kids hosts the show. It might be fun seeing you living in a tent or genuflecting before Wolfgang Puck before trying to design a new restaurant menu for him. Otherwise just dedicate yourself to shutting up. Frankly, even Rosie kind of got the best of you during your prolonged feud with her. Her imitation of your hair out-boored you calling her a "fat slob."

2. Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton -- They feuded for a while but now are a matched pair again on E!'s The Simple Life Goes to Camp. The skinny is that Nicole's still frighteningly skinny and stupid, and might be going to jail soon. Meanwhile, Paris is going to be debarking the slammer and telling America all about the new her on Larry King Live. Should take about a minute, but they've got a whole hour to fill. In the annals of self-indulgence and voracious materialism, Paris and Nicole make Hugh Hefner look like St. Thomas of Aquinas. St. Thomas who?

1. Anna Nicole Smith -- She lives on through the almost nightly excesses of Entertainment Tonight and its many imitators. The shame of it is that her surviving baby daughter, Dannielynn, likely will never have a chance to be more than a bauble at the mercy of the paparazzi and irresistible hard cash offers for exclusive photos. Anna Nicole remained a voracious poser to the end, leaving behind a wealth of footage, still shots and big money yet to come for those who can claim a rightful chunk of her. Death is only a minor inconvenience when you've laid the groundwork to this extent. In dying she's living exactly the life she planned.

Top 10 Best TV Drama Series

Absent further comment and pictures -- it's late Friday afternoon and frankly I'm exhausted -- here's the third and last of our Top 10 countdowns tied to Sunday's finale of The Sopranos. This one lists the 10 best drama series ever, without regard to whether they were ratings hits. Quality's the only consideration. Let's hear what you think, about all these lists, in the accompanying comments sections.

10. The Rockford Files (NBC, 1974-80)

9. The Fugitive (ABC, 1963-67)

8. Star Trek: The Next Generation (Syndicated, 1987-94)

7. NYPD Blue (ABC, 1993-2005)

6. Six Feet Under (HBO, 2001-05)

5. Deadwood (HBO, 2004-?)

4. The Twilight Zone (CBS, 1959-65,)

3. Hill Street Blues (NBC, 1981-87)

2. Homicide: Life on the Street (NBC, 1993-99)

1. The Sopranos (HBO, 1999-2007)

Top 10 Most Indelible TV Drama Series Characters

Our salute to The Sopranos continues with a countdown of TV's 10 most enduring, indelible drama series characters. This is a really tough list to compile, and it doesn't include miniseries or people playing themselves. Otherwise Robert Duvall's Gus McCrae from Lonesome Dove and Alfred Hitchcock's hammy introductions to his suspense anthology series would be very much in contention. OK, let's play. And as always, your comments are both welcome and important.

10. Jessica Fletcher (Murder, She Wrote) -- Very seldom watched it myself, but millions upon millions did during the show's 12-season run on CBS. Angela Lansbury's homey portrayal of Cabot Cove, Maine's amateur sleuth made her a mega-star after years of comparative obscurity on Broadway and in movies.

9. Andy Sipowicz (NYPD Blue) -- Ipso this. Dennis Franz's self-destructive Manhattan dick carried this first-rate series through four partners and numerous other cast shakeups. Rough, tough, gruff Sipowicz made it possible for the even darker detective Vic Mackey to run amuck on The Shield. He was a force to be reckoned with on a show that never could have done without him.

8. Perry Mason (Perry Mason) -- Peerless Perry was played to perfection by stocky Raymond Burr, who wore suits, ties and airs of superiority while breaking down wrongdoers in a court of law. End games often began with "Isn't it true . . . ?" Well, of course it was, and Perry knew it. Years after the Perry Mason series ran its course, Burr returned to play the character in a series of popular NBC movies. He had a beard by then, and more bulk, too. Still, he always won.

7. Davy Crockett (The Adventures of Davy Crockett) -- Fess Parker starred in just five of Disney's Davy Crockett adventures in the 1950s. But they spoke to virtually every kid in the country, as did Davy's must-have coonskin cap. Parker owns a California winery now, with bottles of Frontier Red sporting an old Crockett picture. He went on to play basically the same part in NBC's Daniel Boone series, which ran from 1964-70. No one's ever been better bred to buckskin.

6. Marshall Matt Dillon (Gunsmoke) -- No TV character had the ride that James Arness did. Recommended for the part by John Wayne, he endured for 20 seasons as the stoic, heroic badge-wearing bossman of Dodge City, Kansas. The six feet, seven inch Arness literally towered over the prime-time terrain. And at the height of Gunsmoke's powers -- the No. 1 show from 1957-62 -- networks wanted 39 episodes a season. The show finally rode off in 1975, but Arness returned to the saddle to make five Gunsmoke movies from 1987-94.

5. Joe Friday (Dragnet) -- Jack Webb's laconic, all-business L.A. cop was much-parodied but never surpassed. Even Webb himself messed around with Friday on a famous Tonight Show sketch with Johnny Carson. Otherwise he both lived and believed in the part, playing Friday in two successful versions of the series. His "Nothin' but the facts" tagline arguably is the most-parroted in TV history.

4. J.R. Ewing (Dallas) -- Larry Hagman struck it rich as a Southfork oilman who lived in fear of his daddy, aimed to please his momma and intended to screw just about everyone else, either in a dirty deal or on a satin-sheeted mattress. J.R. Ewing's broadly drawn exploits became known the world over, especially after someone tried to kill him in prime-time's all-time cliffhanger. Whether being drilled or drilling for oil, he ruled the prime-time landscape as few characters ever have.

3. Capt. James T. Kirk/Mr. Spock (Star Trek) -- You really can't have one without the other. Kirk and Spock were an intergalactic Lone Ranger and Tonto, with William Shatner emoting full-tilt while Leonard Nimoy kept his Vulcan character's feelings on the down-low. Anything but a matched pair, they're still joined at the hip at the peak of pop culture-dom. A Star Trek convention with both in attendance remains nothing less than an earthshaking event.

2. Columbo (Columbo) -- Peter Falk's rumpled, outwardly bumbling detective made crimesolving so easy a caveman could do it. Except that the Geico car commercials weren't upon us yet, making Columbo a true TV original who never fired a gun or threw a punch. "Just one more thing," he'd keep saying. At first wrongdoers humored him. Then they grew impatient. Finally they knew that he knew. The bumpkin had turned them into pumpkins. Luckily, the creators of the character couldn't get their first choice, Bing Crosby. So Falk stepped in and played the hell out of Columbo without even seeming to try. Beautiful.

1.Tony Soprano (The Sopranos) -- The haunted head man of the northern New Jersey Mafia has more layers than an Italian wedding cake. Vicious when threatened but vulnerable when spilling his guts, Tony Soprano lives in fear that he was never really loved. His sessions with Dr. Melfi eat away at his insecurities, but always leave something on the plate. Otherwise he's often Tony the Tiger, spilling others' blood in order to keep the blood money flowing.

Tony Soprano is the most complex TV character in the medium's history, and James Gandolfini's extraordinary portrayal will always be one for the ages. Roles such as this can eat an actor alive and render him useless for other screen or stage work. Being unbelievably great is in a way its own curse. But only Gandolfini could play television's single greatest character. Time and again, he's thoroughly made us believe that.

Top 10 Most Influential TV Dramas

Presenting the first of three lists tied to the Sunday, June 10th finale of HBO's The Sopranos.

This one weighs the impacts of prime-time's many and varied drama series. Which ones made the biggest ripples? As you'll see, they don't have to be the best, just the most influential in terms of generating copycats, movies and/or styles. Let's play.

10. Miami Vice (NBC, 1984-89) -- The late Brandon Tartikoff, former head of NBC Entertainment, supposedly wanted a police action show that in short form would be "MTV cops." Pastel pretty boys Sonny Crockett and Ricardo Tubbs emerged in a series whose music and look were key supporting characters. Get the bad guys, but by all means look cool in doing so. The theme song by Jan Hammer blasted to No. 1 on the pop charts, prompting a spurt of imitators. But oops, then came 1990's Cop Rock. Last year's Vice feature film didn't do so hot either.

9.Dragnet (original version, 1952-59, NBC) -- Terse, by-the-book Joe Friday was TV's first minimalist copper. Wedded to his job ("Just the facts, ma'am") and devoted to his partners (Frank Smith and later Bill Gannon), he presaged the clipped, "Book 'im, Dano" MO of Hawaii Five-O's Det. Steve McGarrett. ABC's latter day L.A. Dragnet, with Ed O'Neill as Friday, shot blanks in the ratings. But a 1987 big-screen parody with Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks did OK business at the box office.

8.The Twilight Zone (original version, 1959-65, CBS) -- Host Rod Serling's cryptic introductions set in motion television's first great suspense anthology series. Alfred Hitchcock Presents got there first in 1955, but its stories for the most part were no match for Serling's sagas of a "dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity . . . an area we call The Twilight Zone." CBS fell way short with a 1986 remake and UPN tried again in 2002 with a then down-on-his-luck Forest Whitaker as host. An ill-fated 1983 big-screen Twilight Zone infamously cost actor Vic Morrow his head during filming of a helicopter sequence.

7. Law & Order (1990 to present, NBC) -- It's the godfather of the modern-day, open-and-close-ended "procedural" cop drama. Creator/producer Dick Wolf extended the L & O brand name to two more series while also spurring CBS to come up with its equally successful and like-minded CSI franchise. Series such as Without A Trace, Cold Case and Criminal Minds likewise owe their beats to Law & Order. Wolf also proved that a series' overall concept is more important than its stars. Many have come and gone --- and come back -- during the course of Law & Order's 17 seasons on NBC.

6. Charlie's Angels (1976-81, ABC) -- Babes in boyland. Angie Dickinson's Police Woman got there first, but law enforcement didn't get a full-blown sex change until Jill, Sabrina and Kelly "jiggled" into view. Farrah Fawcett's alluring swimsuit poster became the most famous in the land, adorning more teenage boys' rooms than any of the era's pro sports stars. The show more or less "empowered" women before the word slopped into the vocabulary. But producer Aaron Spelling cannily kept his and viewers' eyes on his Angels' more obvious assets. Three feature films and many imitators later, the show remains a pop culture Colossus.

5. Gunsmoke (1955-75, CBS) -- TV's first "adult" Western cleared the trail for Bonanza, Wagon Train, Have Gun Will Travel, Rawhide and many years later, Deadwood. Clint Eastwood, who played trailhand Rowdy Yates in Rawhide, likely never would have gotten the chance had Gunsmoke been a flop instead of prime-time's No. 1 series from 1957 to '61. Marshal Matt Dillon set the tone for early episodes by gunning down a bad guy in the streets of Dodge City before the weekly stories began. Saloon owner Miss Kitty yearned for him to fire more than his pistol. But Matt held back, sustaining the longest unrequited love story in TV history. Most shows can't make it through even one season now.

4.Dallas (1978-91, CBS) -- The Ewings of Southfork set the ratings on fire in the early- to mid-1980s, making the sudsy prime-time soap TV's hottest genre. Long-distant runners Dynasty, Knots Landing and Falcon Crest were among Dallas' many progeny. And there's never been a bigger international sensation than the show's "Who Shot J.R.?" guessing game. After that, virtually every drama of those times went for a "cliffhanger" at season's end. That's a term, by the way, that Dallas virtually invented. Meanwhile, star Larry Hagman reinvented himself by detouring from the comical captain of I Dream of Jeannie to the oiliest, juiciest villain in TV history.

3. The Sopranos (1999 to June 10, 2007, HBO) -- Too good to ever be imitated, The Sopranos made HBO's bones as television's art house extraordinaire. Its influence is simply its incredible excellence. Rivals marveled, realizing they couldn't replicate. But HBO had to dig deeper, knowing it had to come up with new programming that at least played in the vicinity of the same ballpark. Series such as Six Feet Under, Deadwood, The Wire and Big Love have kept the faith and oftentimes even held a candle to The Sopranos. But no single series has ever set a higher bar. And it's hard to imagine anyone ever breaking this high-jump record.

2. Star Trek (1966-69, NBC) -- You can't kill William Shatner with a stick, let alone the Star Trek franchise. Never a hit during its original NBC run, it so far has spawned four spinoff series and 11 feature films. No show has launched a more fanatical species of fans, whether you call them Trekkies, Trekkers or borderline insane. The latest TV incarnation, Star Trek: Enterprise, proved to be something of a flop. But everyone knows that this isn't nearly the end. The series, the lore, the profits will live on long after Shatner's earthly journey ends. There's no sign of that, though. He and his magical roster of toupees might even have another Star Trek movie left in them.

1.Hill Street Blues (1981-87, NBC) -- A new breed of ensemble drama -- intelligent, provocative, diverse -- arrived on the night Sgt. Phil Esterhaus first told his charges, "Let's be careful out there." Hill Street Blues at the time seemed way too good for broadcast TV. But a then downtrodden NBC took a shot and birthed a revolution. The show's creator, Steven Bochco, led a new generation of TV artistes whose bold approaches to broadcast TV were realized in other Emmy caliber series such as St. Elsewhere, L.A. Law, NYPD Blue, Picket Fences, Twin Peaks, Northern Exposure, Moonlighting, Ally McBeal, ER and Lost. Hill Street shook prime-time up and took it to a higher plane. Looking down on TV got lots harder after that.