CMT's Big Texas Heat is happily thick with corpulent cops
11/09/12 01:57 PM
Premiering: Saturday, Nov. 10th at 9:30 p.m. (central) on CMT
Starring: The plus-sized protectors of Trinity, TX, population 2,697
Produced by: Chris Gillen
By ED BARK
@unclebarkycom
Although just a dot on the East Texas map, Trinity (pop. 2,697) remains spacious enough to encase the super-corpulent cops of CMT's Big Texas Heat.
They eat a lotta donuts and do a lotta nuthin' in this latest stupefying "reality" series. Texas has been home to a lot of 'em over the years, but Big Texas Heat takes the cake. Which Chief Steven Jones and Officer Donald "Big Sexy" Givens would gladly devour in one sitting.
This is a series that doesn't mind flaunting its principal stars' obesity. In fact it was renamed -- from Trinity 9-1-1 -- to revel in it. Chief Jones and the preening "Big Sexy" in particular are intended to be ongoing sight gags. The other members of Trinity's finest are also overweight, even though pudgy young officer Justin Sikes is nicknamed "Little Man" because he's not quite a full-blown porker yet.
Chief Jones regularly totes a dozen donuts to the workplace, prompting portly Sgt. Randy Wheeler to declare, "Chief brings in a box, I'm probably gonna eat one." Just one?
In Episode 2, Wheeler contentedly resumes munching a donut while driving his squad car. He's relieved after a dispatcher tells him that a donkey blocking traffic on Main Street has "moved on." We don't see the donkey, and it's doubtful there ever was one.
In Saturday's lifeless premiere, it's supposed to be high drama when the Chief's wife, Melanie, gets a little mad at him for attending a rival beauty salon's ribbon-cutting. Not only that, the proprietor is a former lady friend of his. Meanwhile the buffoonish officer in training, Felix Morales, tells "Little Man" that one of his hobbies is "ghost hunting."
It probably really isn't. But the producers of this half-hour dawdler seem desperate to inject something -- anything -- into these proceedings. "Little Man" then sniffs, "I think it's all jibber jabber. And I'm not gonna believe any of that mess."
The officers otherwise seem to take pride in their "real nasty" cells, where inmates have been known to crap and pee, says the loquacious "Little Man." So the officer bringing in the least number of offenders on "Warrant Roundup" day will have to clean the cells out -- or at least pretend to for a few seconds while the cameras roll.
Next week's half-hour also includes something that's not amusing on any level. The Chief and eager beaver Morales spot a black man riding a bicycle who makes an inconsequential improper turn or something on the largely barren streets of Trinity. They chase him down as though he's just robbed a bank, with Morales earning his spurs by handcuffing the guy after putting him face down on the ground. Did anyone consider for even a second how this would look on national television?
Big Texas Heat is the caboose of CMT's big Saturday night of IQ-impairing "reality" series premieres. The Season 2 launch of Redneck Island kicks things off at 8 p.m. (central) before the debut of Chainsaw Gang leads into dumbo circus.
Trinity might be all revved up about this thing, and perhaps it'll pump a few nickels into the local economy. In return, though, don't expect your city or your police force to be taken seriously. Aw, who cares. We get to be on the teevee!
GRADE: D
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