Fear Is Real -- add moronic and stupefying
01/07/09 12:44 PM
By ED BARK
One of the pithier observations in reality show history comes from a 23-year-old marketing and product specialist named Kelly.
"This just sucks," she says from the confines of a hammered-shut and buried wooden coffin during Wednesday's climactic "Execution Ceremony" on The CW's new 13 -- Fear Is Real.
Yeah, kinda. And perhaps needless to say, the show blows. Fear Is Real (7 p.m. central) has a dirt-cheap look, an antiquated Blair Witch hook and a piddling grand prize of $66,666 for the last contestant standing among 13 lambs to the pseudo slaughter.
Among them is the well-pierced Cody of Austin, whose occupation supposedly is "ghosthunter." At least that's what it says on-screen. In printed CW press materials, the burly 22-year-old is reduced to a mere student whose hobbies are "longboarding, partying, going to shows, playing bass and watching people." He'll go far.
Fear Is Real's only virtue is in transporting its 13 specimens by bus to a dirty, abandoned cabin instead of the usual stretch limo rides to a generic L.A. mansion. This at least provides a change of scenery -- and considerable cost savings -- during an otherwise painfully dumb series with less suspense than the Peter Pan ride at Disneyland.
An unseen taskmaster called "The Mastermind" grouchily orders these dupes around. In Wednesday's premiere they're paired off in six teams, with Cody volunteering to stay behind by himself in hopes that Casper the Friendly Ghost might drop in.
The teams are sent into the woods, where six members suddenly and inexplicably find themselves bound and gagged. Most of the women already specialize in being scared of their own shadows, so this can be quite unsettling for them. The last captive to be rescued faces elimination along with his or her team partner. But Capture the Flag has more chills.
Fear Is Real also includes a little wooden "Death Box" whose bearer can be a secret killer or something. All of this is almost too much for 24-year-old model/hairstylist Lauren, who emotes, "I seriously feel like I'm gonna puke and cry and just like have a heart attack all at the same time --- if that's even possible."
Well said, even if viewers of Fear Is Real may only find themselves wanting to vomit -- preferably on a CW programming executive.
GRADE: F