Too delicious: The Onion wrings tears of laughter with scathing Skip Bayless takedown

By ED BARK
Still reviled by many veteran sports reporters in this market, former Dallas Morning News and Dallas Times Herald columnist Skip Bayless is brilliantly skewered by the online Onion Sports Network.

"All Sports To Cease So Skip Bayless Has Nothing To Talk About," says an April 16th headline above a glowering Bayless, who now spews for ESPN.

The lead paragraph goes like this: "Expressing regret that joyless, wrongheaded ESPN commentator and attack journalist Skip Bayless could not be dealt with otherwise, commissioners from every major professional sporting league, top officials of amateur athletic associations, and representatives of player unions reached an agreement Wednesday to end the practice of competitive sports in order to forever deprive Bayless of any subject matter."

Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig is quoted as saying, "Ending baseball is a tragedy, but if our sacrifice means Bayless stops spewing his petty, hateful vitriol, it will all be worth it."

In the view of many, including your friendly content provider, Bayless, 58, has long been a "contrarian" who calculatingly puts himself on the edge of various limbs in order to keep his profile above water. In a web column headlined "How Does Skip Bayless Sleep At Night?," veteran D-FW sports reporter/talk show host Mike Fisher excoriated Bayless for continuing to perpetuate the alleged rumor that former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman is gay.

In the second paragraph, Fisher asked delicately, "So why does this self-loathing creep keep regurgitating the rumor he started -- the financially lucrative rumor he started -- regarding Troy Aikman's sexuality?"

The Onion piece predicts that without sports, Bayless eventually will "begin to choke on his own bile and be silenced for good, living the rest of his years silently curled around his bone-deep contempt for all that is pleasurable and good."

Bayless "was not approached for comment," the story ends. By all means read it all.