Top 10 advertising icons still looking for their own TV shows
03/07/07 09:53
By ED BARK
True story: Caught between a rock and a hard place with a slew of failing or faded sitcoms, ABC has commissioned a comedy pilot starring the Geico car insurance cavemen.
This strikes Uncle Barky as something so simple that even he can do it. Namely, develop concepts for advertising icons who have yet to get their own TV series. And aw-a-a-ay we go:
10. Mr. Peanut -- The venerable goober just can't get any respect after marrying into a family of highfalutin' cashews, pistachios, walnuts and almonds. Talk about your mixed nuts! Tired of being picked over, Mr. Peanut is resigned to becoming part of a commonplace Payday candy bar until he wins the Georgia mega-lottery. Now everyone's his friend. But will he shell out?
9. McGruff the Crime Dog -- Columbo's gettin' pretty old for the job, but McGruff's both ready for action and an even lousier dresser. There's just one thing, though. He has rabies. So takin' a bite out of crime is easier said than done, although McGruff has a Dirty Harry streak that's often hard to muzzle. And his finicky partner, Morris the Cat, is just drivin' him cr-a-a-a-azy!
8. The Marlboro Man and the Frito Bandito -- The Cisco Kid and Pancho are in retirement, so get ready to ride the range with a surly nicotine addict from Dead Man's Gulch and his always smiling saddle mate. Marlboro and Frito may not always get along, but they've got each other's back when trouble's a brewin'. Now if Marlboro could just curb those raging coughing fits, which flare up whenever Frito begs him to quit smokin' and eat tasty, salty snacks instead.
7. Betty Crocker -- The original Martha Stewart still bakes the old-school way while solving crimes on the side. Wrongdoers often are first seduced by a slice of her triple-fudge, butter-sugar bundt cake. "Ma'am, I'll tell ya anything if you'll just give me another slice. My woman's got me on one of those heart-healthy diet regimens, and man, it's killin' me." Betty ends each episode with a blast-from-the-past recipe that's guaranteed to have at least 1,500 calories per serving. Made with love, of course.
6. Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben -- And you thought there were fireworks on The Jeffersons?! Jemima and Ben sling pancakes and barbs at a raucous, finger-lickin' diner where everyone knows your name and your business. They love each other to death, but running both a business and a marriage can get downright lethal at times. Hold on, they're comin' -- and you'd better get your order right!
5. The Oscar Mayer Weiner Mobile -- Eat your heart out, Knight Rider. The weiner mobile may look a little dorky, but wait'll bad guys get a taste of its mustard spray. Capable of zooming to 200 miles an hour via patented flatulence propulsion, this justice-seeker has a hot dog's flair for turning crooks into dead meat. It's the Ambiguously Gay Duo's dream car, all right. But they can't have it!
4. Tony the Tiger -- There's a cereal killer on the loose, and Tony's just the guy to find out who hijacked a year's supply of Rice Krispies. Or worse yet, ruined a major shipment of Sugar Pops by dousing it with a milk bomb. Wait, though, could big Tony and his band of butt-kissing tiger cubs really be double agents out to destroy all the competition? You're going to have a g-r-r-r-r-reat!!! time finding out.
3. The Energizer Bunny and Speedy Alka Seltzer -- What a great feel-good comedy team they make! Tireless energy, upbeat attitudes, squeezable good looks. Yes, Speedy and the Bunny are Branson's hottest attraction, wowing the all-you-can-eat buffet crowds with snappy banter and whiz-bang sight gags. But there's heartbreak offstage. Both suffer from severe self-loathing, with Speedy ready to jump headlong into a glass of water while Bunny considers using ACME batteries. They're gonna make it, but only with your help.
2. Mr. Clean -- Kojak was OK for his day. But Mr. Clean gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute. Mr. Clean will clean your whole house, and everything that's in it. Other than that, he's a private detective who specializes in spying on unfaithful spouses. First he gives you the dirt, then he mops your kitchen! And all for one, low affordable price. He's been this way ever since Mrs. Clean left him for the Tidy Bowl Man.
1. The Jolly Green Giant -- The Giant's long been the towering, benevolent ruler of the little kingdom of Squat. Mind your peas and cucumbers, though, he can go berserk if provoked. Lately that's been happening a lot after a mysterious crop-dusting plane sprayed the Giant's leafy suit with something other than pesticides. So look out below when "Ho ho ho!" suddenly gives way to "I'll crush you all like bugs, and then I'm goin' after that other Green Giant, Al Gore!"
True story: Caught between a rock and a hard place with a slew of failing or faded sitcoms, ABC has commissioned a comedy pilot starring the Geico car insurance cavemen.
This strikes Uncle Barky as something so simple that even he can do it. Namely, develop concepts for advertising icons who have yet to get their own TV series. And aw-a-a-ay we go:
10. Mr. Peanut -- The venerable goober just can't get any respect after marrying into a family of highfalutin' cashews, pistachios, walnuts and almonds. Talk about your mixed nuts! Tired of being picked over, Mr. Peanut is resigned to becoming part of a commonplace Payday candy bar until he wins the Georgia mega-lottery. Now everyone's his friend. But will he shell out?
9. McGruff the Crime Dog -- Columbo's gettin' pretty old for the job, but McGruff's both ready for action and an even lousier dresser. There's just one thing, though. He has rabies. So takin' a bite out of crime is easier said than done, although McGruff has a Dirty Harry streak that's often hard to muzzle. And his finicky partner, Morris the Cat, is just drivin' him cr-a-a-a-azy!
8. The Marlboro Man and the Frito Bandito -- The Cisco Kid and Pancho are in retirement, so get ready to ride the range with a surly nicotine addict from Dead Man's Gulch and his always smiling saddle mate. Marlboro and Frito may not always get along, but they've got each other's back when trouble's a brewin'. Now if Marlboro could just curb those raging coughing fits, which flare up whenever Frito begs him to quit smokin' and eat tasty, salty snacks instead.7. Betty Crocker -- The original Martha Stewart still bakes the old-school way while solving crimes on the side. Wrongdoers often are first seduced by a slice of her triple-fudge, butter-sugar bundt cake. "Ma'am, I'll tell ya anything if you'll just give me another slice. My woman's got me on one of those heart-healthy diet regimens, and man, it's killin' me." Betty ends each episode with a blast-from-the-past recipe that's guaranteed to have at least 1,500 calories per serving. Made with love, of course.
6. Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben -- And you thought there were fireworks on The Jeffersons?! Jemima and Ben sling pancakes and barbs at a raucous, finger-lickin' diner where everyone knows your name and your business. They love each other to death, but running both a business and a marriage can get downright lethal at times. Hold on, they're comin' -- and you'd better get your order right!
5. The Oscar Mayer Weiner Mobile -- Eat your heart out, Knight Rider. The weiner mobile may look a little dorky, but wait'll bad guys get a taste of its mustard spray. Capable of zooming to 200 miles an hour via patented flatulence propulsion, this justice-seeker has a hot dog's flair for turning crooks into dead meat. It's the Ambiguously Gay Duo's dream car, all right. But they can't have it!
4. Tony the Tiger -- There's a cereal killer on the loose, and Tony's just the guy to find out who hijacked a year's supply of Rice Krispies. Or worse yet, ruined a major shipment of Sugar Pops by dousing it with a milk bomb. Wait, though, could big Tony and his band of butt-kissing tiger cubs really be double agents out to destroy all the competition? You're going to have a g-r-r-r-r-reat!!! time finding out.
3. The Energizer Bunny and Speedy Alka Seltzer -- What a great feel-good comedy team they make! Tireless energy, upbeat attitudes, squeezable good looks. Yes, Speedy and the Bunny are Branson's hottest attraction, wowing the all-you-can-eat buffet crowds with snappy banter and whiz-bang sight gags. But there's heartbreak offstage. Both suffer from severe self-loathing, with Speedy ready to jump headlong into a glass of water while Bunny considers using ACME batteries. They're gonna make it, but only with your help.
2. Mr. Clean -- Kojak was OK for his day. But Mr. Clean gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute. Mr. Clean will clean your whole house, and everything that's in it. Other than that, he's a private detective who specializes in spying on unfaithful spouses. First he gives you the dirt, then he mops your kitchen! And all for one, low affordable price. He's been this way ever since Mrs. Clean left him for the Tidy Bowl Man.
1. The Jolly Green Giant -- The Giant's long been the towering, benevolent ruler of the little kingdom of Squat. Mind your peas and cucumbers, though, he can go berserk if provoked. Lately that's been happening a lot after a mysterious crop-dusting plane sprayed the Giant's leafy suit with something other than pesticides. So look out below when "Ho ho ho!" suddenly gives way to "I'll crush you all like bugs, and then I'm goin' after that other Green Giant, Al Gore!"