Top 10 dysfunctional TV dads
06/12/08 08:54
By ED BARK
Another Father's Day looms, prompting a not-so-fond look back at TV's big batch of bad dads.
Sure, we appreciate the tube's more pristine pops, including Ward Cleaver, Jim Anderson, Cliff Huxtable and Ozzie Nelson. But dysfunctional dads are outnumbering them as prime-time marches on. Here's our rogues gallery of fathers from hell:
10. Jock Ewing (Dallas) -- Hard-driving Ewing patriarch shot just one for three, with good angel Bobby outflanked by prodigal, embittered Gary and diabolical J.R. Jock set the tone by double-dealing ex-partner Digger Barnes out of a share of their oil company and from the arms of true love Eleanor "Miss Ellie" Southworth. J.R. then tried no end to please his daddy, which to him meant a life of cheating, swindling and womanizing. Jock sure looked good smokin' a cigarette, though.
9. George Jefferson (The Jeffersons -- Volatile pipsqueak kept raging at one and all, including grown son Lionel. "Movin' on up" made him a semi-rich dry cleaning magnate. But he was mostly a washout as a father, husband and human being. Definitely not a people person.
8. Martin Crane (Frasier) -- Bitch, bitch, bitch. Imperious in his ratty, patched easy chair, he used an old cop injury as a crutch and his mouth as a battering ram. On the receiving end were oldest son Frasier, who took him in, and second son Niles, who quivered a lot. The old man had a solid relationship, though, with his entitled dog Eddie.
7. Red Foreman (That '70s Show) -- Sourball, working class ranter spent most of his time finding fault with son Eric and his ever-present posse. Treated wife Kitty a little better as long as she catered to his constant needs and happily absorbed his guff. Never at a loss for discouraging words.
6. Frank Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond) -- Lived and loved to bicker, with sons Raymond and Robert, and wife Marie his principal targets of opportunity. Always filled to the brim with bile, he specialized in condescending demands and reprimands. Butter his stinkin' toast wrong and he'd fester for a week.
5. Peter Griffin (Family Guy) -- Out-and-out lout whose priorities are TV watching, beer-drinking and coarse displays of his unsightly physique. Kids Meg, Chris and baby Stewie are more screwed up than FEMA. Wife Lois would merit a Congressional Medal of Honor if she killed hubby in his sleep. Saving grace: he's only a cartoon.
4. Tony Soprano (The Sopranos) -- At least he was a good provider. Otherwise, his parenting and spousal skills rank somewhere between 0 and minus 1. Messed-up son A.J. rebelled against his crude brand of tough love while semi-idealistic daughter Meadow found him to be all-in-all pretty gross. Loved to kill or order whackings on a full stomach. So wife Carmela kept cooking.
3. Homer Simpson (The Simpsons) -- Well-meaning doofus has failed at the fathering game for nearly two decades. Donuts and beer keep his pot belly boiling, but occasional choke holds on only son Bart haven't panned out so far. Far more a bumbler than a despot, he's easy prey for whatever creature comforts come his way. D'oh, will he ever do anything right? Saving grace: he's only a cartoon.
2. Archie Bunker (All In the Family) -- TV's first king of Queens expected one and all to live at his beck and call. Otherwise the insults flew, whether aimed at "little girl" daughter Gloria, son-in-law Michael "Meathead" Stivic or long-suffering wife Edith, a k a "Dingbat." His all-purpose bigotry added another layer of invective to a guy who also fouled the air with his constant cigar smoke. Occasional meltdowns or displays of humanity were akin to a piranha deciding to eat only half its goldfish snack. Archie set the TV dad bar exceedingly low, with only one family patriarch managing to belly-crawl beneath it.
1. Al Bundy (Married . . . With Children) -- A knuckle-dragger without peer, his base needs made even Homer Simpson seem rarefied. Al Bundy had no discernible redeeming qualities. His two kids, Kelly and Bud, happily insulted him to his face when they weren't verbally assaulting each other. Wife Peg viewed him as an inadequate lover and near-barren breadwinner. Which he certainly was. Achieving new lows was his only talent. He was a big, belching, beer fart of a dad -- and that was on one of his good days. Not even a cat would drag him in.
Another Father's Day looms, prompting a not-so-fond look back at TV's big batch of bad dads.
Sure, we appreciate the tube's more pristine pops, including Ward Cleaver, Jim Anderson, Cliff Huxtable and Ozzie Nelson. But dysfunctional dads are outnumbering them as prime-time marches on. Here's our rogues gallery of fathers from hell:
10. Jock Ewing (Dallas) -- Hard-driving Ewing patriarch shot just one for three, with good angel Bobby outflanked by prodigal, embittered Gary and diabolical J.R. Jock set the tone by double-dealing ex-partner Digger Barnes out of a share of their oil company and from the arms of true love Eleanor "Miss Ellie" Southworth. J.R. then tried no end to please his daddy, which to him meant a life of cheating, swindling and womanizing. Jock sure looked good smokin' a cigarette, though.
9. George Jefferson (The Jeffersons -- Volatile pipsqueak kept raging at one and all, including grown son Lionel. "Movin' on up" made him a semi-rich dry cleaning magnate. But he was mostly a washout as a father, husband and human being. Definitely not a people person.
8. Martin Crane (Frasier) -- Bitch, bitch, bitch. Imperious in his ratty, patched easy chair, he used an old cop injury as a crutch and his mouth as a battering ram. On the receiving end were oldest son Frasier, who took him in, and second son Niles, who quivered a lot. The old man had a solid relationship, though, with his entitled dog Eddie.
7. Red Foreman (That '70s Show) -- Sourball, working class ranter spent most of his time finding fault with son Eric and his ever-present posse. Treated wife Kitty a little better as long as she catered to his constant needs and happily absorbed his guff. Never at a loss for discouraging words.
6. Frank Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond) -- Lived and loved to bicker, with sons Raymond and Robert, and wife Marie his principal targets of opportunity. Always filled to the brim with bile, he specialized in condescending demands and reprimands. Butter his stinkin' toast wrong and he'd fester for a week.
5. Peter Griffin (Family Guy) -- Out-and-out lout whose priorities are TV watching, beer-drinking and coarse displays of his unsightly physique. Kids Meg, Chris and baby Stewie are more screwed up than FEMA. Wife Lois would merit a Congressional Medal of Honor if she killed hubby in his sleep. Saving grace: he's only a cartoon.
4. Tony Soprano (The Sopranos) -- At least he was a good provider. Otherwise, his parenting and spousal skills rank somewhere between 0 and minus 1. Messed-up son A.J. rebelled against his crude brand of tough love while semi-idealistic daughter Meadow found him to be all-in-all pretty gross. Loved to kill or order whackings on a full stomach. So wife Carmela kept cooking.
3. Homer Simpson (The Simpsons) -- Well-meaning doofus has failed at the fathering game for nearly two decades. Donuts and beer keep his pot belly boiling, but occasional choke holds on only son Bart haven't panned out so far. Far more a bumbler than a despot, he's easy prey for whatever creature comforts come his way. D'oh, will he ever do anything right? Saving grace: he's only a cartoon.
2. Archie Bunker (All In the Family) -- TV's first king of Queens expected one and all to live at his beck and call. Otherwise the insults flew, whether aimed at "little girl" daughter Gloria, son-in-law Michael "Meathead" Stivic or long-suffering wife Edith, a k a "Dingbat." His all-purpose bigotry added another layer of invective to a guy who also fouled the air with his constant cigar smoke. Occasional meltdowns or displays of humanity were akin to a piranha deciding to eat only half its goldfish snack. Archie set the TV dad bar exceedingly low, with only one family patriarch managing to belly-crawl beneath it.
1. Al Bundy (Married . . . With Children) -- A knuckle-dragger without peer, his base needs made even Homer Simpson seem rarefied. Al Bundy had no discernible redeeming qualities. His two kids, Kelly and Bud, happily insulted him to his face when they weren't verbally assaulting each other. Wife Peg viewed him as an inadequate lover and near-barren breadwinner. Which he certainly was. Achieving new lows was his only talent. He was a big, belching, beer fart of a dad -- and that was on one of his good days. Not even a cat would drag him in.