powered by FreeFind

Apple iTunes


Osbournes: Reloaded -- What the @#$%&* was that *&%$#@ pile of #@$%*&?

Ozzy expresses himself on Tuesday's Osbournes: Reloaded. Fox photo

Mercifully delayed until 24 minutes past the hour Tuesday, the first Osbournes: Reloaded special spewed onto Fox with all the class and style of Ozzy relieving himself on the Alamo.

Perhaps that's to be expected of a show that wasn't made available for review. Fox has aired some dreadful stuff over the years, but Osbournes: Reloaded proved to be shockingly inept and unfunny from the instant mom Sharon and daughter Kelly shared ice-breaking bleeped profanities while a studio audience howled with laughter. What'd they give 'em -- Acapulco Gold?

Much of the 36-minute thing, presented after an American Idol performance show, was devoted to a guy named Nick and his tired-of-waiting girl, Lily. Kelly first noted that his name rhymed with (bleep). Then Lily purportedly surprised Nick with an ultimatum: either marry her or she'd leave him.

Nick, who frankly didn't look like much of a catch, got sent backstage to ruminate while the show unfortunately went on. Offal included Ozzy and Kelly in a filmed segment as profane, food-throwing drive-in workers followed by cursing kids of kindergarten age playing "The Littlest Osbournes." Earlier came a presumably fake Ozzy break-dancing, pulling a muscle of some sort and farting.

Meanwhile, Sharon busily milked the Nick/Lily denouement as though the fate of the universe hung in the balance. The would-be bride at last appeared teary-eyed in a wedding dress while her lug slipped into a tux. Family members gathered onstage as a "pastor" popped the big question to Nick: "Do you take Lily to be your wedded wife?" (Note that "lawfully" was omitted.)

He paused for effect while everyone acted as though they were in Hitchcock's Spellbound. Then came the answer you knew was coming from a guy who was probably an actor anyway. "I'll marry you," Nick grudgingly told her, prompting an audience eruption before Ozzy sprayed everyone with foam. Then a doused Sharon said goodnight.

There are supposed to be more periodic Osbournes: Reloaded specials, but Fox surely can't be serious about that. Please just pop in one of those old Alien Autopsy specials instead. We'd all be better served.